Coronavirus -- Grief and Transition

Annual Picnic - Portland Union Painting Contractors Ass’n - 1938. (Includes writer’s mother, grandparents, aunt, great aunt and cousins.)

During the “Stay at Home” days brought on by the Coronavirus and the urgent plea from public officials and our children to limit physical contact with anyone not already living in our home, we’ve moved into a new way of life, which might be with us for months. I find myself looking back at the lives of my parents and other family members who went through difficult times, as well as the lives of the native peoples who have inhabited this beautiful Pacific Northwest landscape for hundreds of years. I’m also revisiting my own past struggles to identify coping skills I may have forgotten I had.

In some ways we are all going through the 5 stages of grief identified by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross back in 1969 in her book, On Death and Dying. While her work originated in the study of death, I’ve learned that every important transition in life also involves an element of grief, letting go of an old way of life, while not yet being adjusted and perhaps not even knowing what is ahead.

Denial: At first, I felt the isolation rules couldn’t really apply to me. I might be old, but I’m healthy and should be able to continue many of my regular activities. I also found it embarrassing to think that I needed to have things done for me.

Anger: Anger might not be the right word in this situation. It was with great frustration and sadness that I cancelled plans to use season tickets I had carefully selected and purchased at three theaters. Three trips were also cancelled, with three more still scheduled but probably also to be cancelled. Concern about refunds gave way to realization that, in some cases, the organization needed my money more than I did. My heart breaks for the performers and theater organizations which will find it hard to survive through months of no performances, as well as for all the employees and owners of small businesses in our community. When I do experience anger, it is when I learn of the multiple incidents of mismanagement of this pandemic by our federal officials. So much of this suffering could have been lessened or avoided with appropriate planning.

Bargaining: The bargaining I have done is with friends who are so depressed about the requirement to stay home that they, at first, refuse to learn new ways of communicating. My spirits have gone up as I’ve been able to persuade friends that we can have our book groups and even “happy hour” through online connections. Frequent online conversations with our daughter and her daughter have also lifted our spirits.

Depression: As a member of the higher risk group, due to age, it’s easy to begin thinking that my days are numbered and I should just prepare to die. Depression is magnified by thinking there’s no necessity to get up at a particular time, to shower, or to get dressed or exercise. But these feelings are accompanied by feelings of guilt. How dare I feel sorry for myself when others are in so much worse a situation, risking their lives as part of a healthcare team or as a public servant, moms at home trying to homeschool their kids while also worrying about lost income, persons who are already disabled and living in a care facility on lockdown?

Acceptance: I’m adjusting to the new normal. This recovery has several elements – getting up and dressed, regular exercise, participating in fun online events, watching movies, thinking about all the blessings in my life and the people who contributed to my current well-being, and appreciating my own foresight in preparing well for my later years. I was reminded recently that this “Stay at Home” time is like the “Neutral Zone” discussed by William Bridges in his 1980 book entitled Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes – Strategies for coping with the difficult, painful and confusing times in your life. I first read the book in 1997 when I was dealing with another significant and challenging transition in my life. The book was used as a basis of discussion in a new church group I had joined. That same church is now helping all its members get through the current transition. My life has come around in a circle, back to the same advice and strategies of an earlier time.

I’m ending this blog post here, but I hope to also write about the inspiration I have felt from my parents, my aunt, Native American stories and art, my experiences as a member of Camp Fire Girls, which now has a different name, my church experiences, and the work I have done with People’s Memorial Association. Writing about and making sense of many diverse memories should help me get through the coming weeks and months. The photos in this blog post are a preview of future stories. Many people, organizations and experiences have helped me to be prepared for today’s challenges. Reviewing lessons taught by these sources gives me strength to deal with today’s challenges.

Carolyn Hayek