Kindergarten Values in a Quid Pro Quo World
This is one of my favorite books.
Kindergarten Values in a Quid Pro Quo World
According to Wikipedia, the expression “Square peg in a round hole” describes the unusual individualist who cannot fit into a niche of their society. Dictionary.com says the term describes a misfit, a person unsuited for a position or activity.
I don’t consider myself a misfit or a person who cannot fit into a niche of society, but I have often felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. The feeling has been especially noticeable in work environments in which I have been the first or only female in a particular position.
As I’ve thought about incidents that have occurred over a period of many years, it has struck me that some experiences have remained vivid in my memory, with strong feelings coming back to me many years later. I now view those instances as illustrating the conflict between “Kindergarten Values,” as described by Robert Fulghum in his book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, and “Deal-making Values,” as illustrated by Donald Trump and Tony Schwartz in their book entitled Trump: The Art of the Deal.
In 1987, Donald Trump and Tony Schwartz, published Trump: The Art of the Deal. It was the first book credited to Trump and it helped to make him a household name. The book was on the New York Times best-seller list for about a year and sold between 200,000 and a million copies, depending on whose statistics you believe. The Art of the Deal can be described as an exercise in self-promotion, encouraging “Truthful Hyperbole,” deal-making, and financial success as a way to measure personal worth. I consider Trump’s book an example of “deal-making” or “quid pro quo values.” In other words, the motivation for a person’s actions is primarily selfish, what can I get out of this activity, not how can I help the larger group or community.
About a year after Trump’s book was published, a very different book made the 1988 best-seller list and stayed there for two years. Unitarian Universalist Minister Robert Fulghum included his “Credo” in his book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. The book has sold 15 million copies. Among other characteristics, his “Kindergarten Values” include being fair and sharing, playing fair, cleaning up your own mess, saying you’re sorry when you hurt somebody, and living a balanced life. I consider Fulghum’s Kindergarten Values to be my values and to be those of the “square peg” people who have trouble fitting into the “round hole” of the deal-makers.
Here are four stories which illustrate this conflict of values:
1. Seeking clients everywhere: In 1973, I was a new attorney at a Seattle law firm. Shortly after I began work there, I had a conversation with a partner of the firm in which I mentioned that I was a member of the Presbyterian Church. He responded immediately by saying that was a good thing because it could help me find clients. I was startled by the comment because I did not attend church to enhance my law practice. I thought we were having a friendly conversation to get better acquainted, but later felt the partner was mostly concerned with how I might bring in business, or make a good deal for the firm. At the time, this conversation was not a big deal, except that it caught me off guard and served as a warning that my point of view regarding community activities might not match that of firm partners.
2. Excluding undesirables: In the mid-70’s, I was invited for the first and only time to participate in a lunch meeting with law firm partners, and managers from a major bank client. When our group of 6 arrived for our reservation, there was an unexplained delay in seating us. Eventually, a folding table was set up in the foyer, behind a moveable screen. We were told that women were not allowed in the dining room of this private club. I felt embarrassed, humiliated and angry about what had happened. I wanted, but did not get, an apology. Afterwards, no one ever mentioned the incident. However, I got my retribution when a full-page article appeared in the Seattle Times documenting the problems created when private clubs refuse to include women in their membership. This incident was a gross violation of my sense of fair play and created an awkward situation which I felt required a response by a representative of the firm.
3. Keeping Score: In 1982, I was sworn in as a judge of the Federal Way District Court. One day my co-judge asked me to do him a simple favor, which I readily agreed to do. His comment afterwards has stuck in my memory. He said, “I owe you one.” The manner in which he said this bothered me. I was happy to do him a simple favor and a “Thank you!” would have been an appropriate response. His comment made me believe our relationship was based on “quid pro quo.” In other words, if he ever did anything for me, I would then be indebted to him and required to reciprocate. He would be keeping score. This interaction provided a hint of conflicts to come later.
4. Breaking the Law: In 1987, King County adopted an ordinance prohibiting smoking in county facilities. My co-judge decided the ordinance did not apply to him. He continued smoking his pipe and invited guests to use his office as a smoking lounge. I reminded him of the county ordinance but he insisted he could do whatever he wanted. Staff members were complaining. I had to do something. My co-judge told me to file a complaint if I felt strongly about it. So, I filed a complaint with the Commission on Judicial Conduct, which issued a written Order of Admonishment on Oct. 10, 1991. As part of the settlement of the complaint, the judge agreed to comply with the law, four years after the smoking ban was enacted.
How do these two books and four stories fit together? I love Robert Fulghum and his Kindergarten Credo, but living those values often creates conflicts with “deal-makers” whose goals may prioritize: (1) obtaining new business, (2) retaining the privilege of excluding women, (3) making sure favors are reciprocated, or (4) preserving absolute power, even by violating the law.
I totally embrace the Kindergarten values of Robert Fulghum, but also believe there are times when competition, negotiating agreements, and achieving financial goals are important. Kindergarten and deal-making values are both parts of our lives. The challenge is to live our lives in a balanced manner – recognizing the importance of sharing, fairness, cleaning up messes and saying we are sorry, while also making reasonable accommodation of our need for financial security, respect, and cooperative solutions to problems.
For myself, I got tired of being a square peg in the round hole of my legal employment. After a 22-year career in law, I quit. I moved to Kirkland, devoted myself to my family, performing wedding ceremonies, volunteer work and writing a blog to share my stories.
I hope others can learn from my experiences. Pay attention to what the circumstances are when you get that “square peg” feeling. To fit in, we have the choice of smoothing the edges of the peg or expanding the round hole to accommodate us. Otherwise, we may need to remove ourselves from the situation to avoid continued conflict. Small conflicts could be ignored or worked around, but they can accumulate until the situation becomes intolerable. Human relations in general and changes in society norms necessarily bring conflict. Sharpening our coping skills and our understanding of the nature of the conflicts could help us all to be more successful.
For me, I retain my Kindergarten values, while occasionally acting as a deal-maker or competitor when necessary. I have never regretted the career challenges I accepted or the decision to leave some of my endeavors when the time seemed right.
Seabeck Conference Center Lagoon — It was at this location that I considered my career options and chose to leave my judicial position and not resume the practice of law.